Step 1: Pick out a euphemism. “Divorce” is so 2005/Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. Consult Deepak Chopra and/or a cooler, less-accessible-to-plebians version of Deepak Chopra to dig out a thesaurus and name your big-time famous breakup.
Step 2: Instagram that shit. It’s important to take photos of yourself with your significant other. Otherwise, no one will know that you were ever really in a relationship. It’s the existential question of our time. Did it ever really happen, if I didn’t put a filter on it? NO. This is true for famous people too. As E! notes in their Easter egg hunt for breakup clues, Paltrow and Martin hadn’t been pictured on the red carpet together for a billion years. Doom! Years from now, when you and your ex are both paired up with others or dying alone, you’re going to want to remember how hot of a couple you once were or want physical evidence to prove to people that you once hit that. #ConsciousUncouple #DivorceEuphemism #PrettyPeople #hashtag
Step 3: Hire people with doctorates to write something equally intellectual and new age sounding that basically says “yo, breakups suck” but in the longer more metaphorical way in which we all like to talk about a split because it seems profound and like nothing that’s ever happened before. FEELINGS!
Deconstructing the good parts of this Conscious Uncoupling crap:
What? NO SALVE? Why are we even reading GOOP? Isn’t the whole point of this newsletter to inform the public about different, expensive salves?
You know what’s relevant to any conversation about break ups? Talk of cavemen and the Paleolithic period. Okay, so we live longer these days, and we’re not meant to mate monogamously our entire lives like our cave ancestors. (P.S Who knew Neanderthals were that into marriage? Those poor single cave ladies, subjected to that awful wedding club toss.) So GOOP hired some Ph.D.s to spout off the same argument every guy in his 20s makes to his girlfriend in an attempt to convince her to try out a polyamorous relationship.
The takeaway here is to stop being a grasshopper in your relationship and instead be a horse. No one really likes grasshoppers. Also, you’re probably fat or something.
In summary, your lack of interest in sex likely crashed the relationship, and now that you’re single again, it’s gonna be harder to get laid. Don’t expect any mingling of masculine and feminine energy any time soon. You should have put out when you had the chance.