RECAP: Gwynnie Deals With Pain Like a French Fry, Bathes in Salt & Pepper

TODAY in GOOP, Gwynnie introduces us to her osteopath, Vicky, who deals with pain—physical, emotional, all of it. What’s an osteopath? Nobody really knows, but I bet they’re all named Vicky. Vicky the osteopath has an entire toolbox of tools to deal with pain, including brushes. Did you know that if you massage your skin with a boar’s hair brush you feel less pain? It’s called dry brushing, not to be confused with dry humping, which rarely involves boar’s hair. Have you ever noticed how French fries are never in any pain, like at all? Thanks to Vicky’s other pain-relieving tip we now know why: a salt and pepper bath, which is actually just a page out of Gwyneth’s recipe book on preparing codfish. If you really want to alleviate pain, finish off your salt and pepper bath with a drizzle of olive oil, a dash of lemon juice, and a sprig of parsley. Steamed asparagus makes an excellent side! image

RECAP: L.A.—Gwynnie Breaks It Down

TODAY in GOOP, fresh from conscious uncoupling and alienating working-9-to-5 moms, Gwynnie breaks down the city of Los Angeles for each and every type of traveler: Hipsters, Kid-types, Classic, Health-conscious, and folks who like Art and Architecture. That sums up everyone, right? RIGHT. To anyone who’s not into those things, you’re not on Gwynnie’s radar and should avoid all travel to L.A. These lists of her top picks is also appealing to another group she failed to mention: people who love spending godawful amounts of time in their cars!


RECAP: A Q&A with Gywnnie

TODAY in GOOP, Gwynnie answers questions on our favorite topics.

Q: What’s one way to get over a conscious uncoupling?

A: purple liquids

Q: What’s one way to tie a room together?

A. purple liquids

Q: What should I serve with my parlour games?

A: purple liquids

Gwynnie’s Guide to Divorce: Consciously Uncoupling Like a Pro

Step 1: Pick out a euphemism. “Divorce” is so 2005/Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. Consult Deepak Chopra and/or a cooler, less-accessible-to-plebians version of Deepak Chopra to dig out a thesaurus and name your big-time famous breakup.


Step 2: Instagram that shit. It’s important to take photos of yourself with your significant other. Otherwise, no one will know that you were ever really in a relationship. It’s the existential question of our time. Did it ever really happen, if I didn’t put a filter on it? NO. This is true for famous people too. As E! notes in their Easter egg hunt for breakup clues, Paltrow and Martin hadn’t been pictured on the red carpet together for a billion years. Doom! Years from now, when you and your ex are both paired up with others or dying alone, you’re going to want to remember how hot of a couple you once were or want physical evidence to prove to people that you once hit that. #ConsciousUncouple #DivorceEuphemism #PrettyPeople #hashtag


Step 3: Hire people with doctorates to write something equally intellectual and new age sounding that basically says “yo, breakups suck” but in the longer more metaphorical way in which we all like to talk about a split because it seems profound and like nothing that’s ever happened before. FEELINGS!

Deconstructing the good parts of this Conscious Uncoupling crap:


What? NO SALVE? Why are we even reading GOOP? Isn’t the whole point of this newsletter to inform the public about different, expensive salves?


You know what’s relevant to any conversation about break ups? Talk of cavemen and the Paleolithic period. Okay, so we live longer these days, and we’re not meant to mate monogamously our entire lives like our cave ancestors. (P.S Who knew Neanderthals were that into marriage? Those poor single cave ladies, subjected to that awful wedding club toss.) So GOOP hired some Ph.D.s to spout off the same argument every guy in his 20s makes to his girlfriend in an attempt to convince her to try out a polyamorous relationship.


The takeaway here is to stop being a grasshopper in your relationship and instead be a horse. No one really likes grasshoppers. Also, you’re probably fat or something.


In summary, your lack of interest in sex likely crashed the relationship, and now that you’re single again, it’s gonna be harder to get laid. Don’t expect any mingling of masculine and feminine energy any time soon. You should have put out when you had the chance.

It’s a story old as time…

One day they woke up. She realized his music was terrible. He realized all she liked to do was talk about fancy poop liquids.

Who will get the backyard woodburning pizza oven?

You know what they say…
Never marry an upscale lifestyle blogger.

A Conscious Uncoupling…

The split between Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin is brought to us by Deepak Chopra.

The Gwyneth Paltrow/Chris Martin split means…
All future issues of GOOP will be recycled Carrie Bradshaw columns.

Conscious Uncoupling=divvying up the white linens and heirloom carrots. Unconscious Coupling=date rape