21 TOP Stupid Things in Today’s GOOP
TODAY in goop mag 21: 21 stupid things!
Gwynnie calls today’s issue goop mag 21. It’s like Where’s Waldo, except instead of searching for 21 Waldos, I searched for 21 stupid rich entitled white giraffe-actress-turned-lifestyle-newsletter-“author” things.
1. Stupid item number one: loving monograms.
2. What does Gywnnie need grown-up school supplies for? Inventorying all her fancy skin serums and coming up with new ways to say the color “white” (egg shell, cream, off-white, alabaster, chalk, Coldplay).
3. Why does Gwynnie call this one a mag? It’s a newsletter sent electronically with many topics in it, which is the same exact format every issue, every week.
4. Apparently there have been 21 of these “mags” but no one is counting them at all.
5. This pain fighting person’s last name. It’s painful to say outloud. Wait, actually never mind, it’s fun to say out loud. Try it. Try it with various accents.
6. Hahahaha, stop acting like you’ve ever pushed a cart in your life, Gwynnie.
7. Great. You’ve ruined balsamic vinegar for everyone.
8. Drinking two tablespoons of vinegar in an eight ounce glass of water is insane. No one is that inflamed.
9. Ahahahahahahahaha! White people can’t give up sriracha sauce! Twelve step programs abound! Gwynnie develops some sort of sriracha methadone for chili pepper junkies.
10. Monkey honey?
11. I call b.s. on this cherries = ibuprofen theory. This sounds like it was cooked up by non-vaccinators. Also, what is gout? Is gout scurvy?
12-18. All of the white people on this yacht in this definitely-not-a-Benetton-ad. Seven people. All white. Is it the cast from Gossip Girl? Could be. I’ll tell you what it’s not. A place where women can escape getting date raped by Patron-drunk men named Tristan/Chet. I hope they’re attacked by sharks.
19. Is Gwynnie using GOOP to publicly flirt with a young chef named Jake Dell? I think so. Okay, so if this weren’t Gwyneth Paltrow, this strategy would be smart and fall in the category of “the way we court now.” But it’s Gwyneth Paltrow and she’s lauding this fella who is cute and seems nice, but hilarious? I watched the video, and that’s a bit of a stretch. Also his video is a hotdog tutorial. Not a macrobiotic vegan beet slaw sandwich topped with bitters and lemongrass tea. A hot dog, which is obviously, completely out of Gwyneth Paltrow’s character. She spent much of this same newsletter issue comparing white potatoes to Ebola and likening sriracha to ISIS, and now she’s suddenly down with hot dogs? I think not. This is a GOOP flirt.
20. Ugh…calling your “relaxed”-shaped jewelry “organic.” Of course an organic ring costs more than a conventional one.
21. And the number 21 Top Stupid Thing in Today’s Goop: This five-dollars-shy-of-two-grand unnecessarily ridiculous gold safety pin, gawdy waste of privilege that might actually be an earring? I will never be the type of person to own, or hang out with anyone who owns a two-thousand dollar maybe-earring-maybe-not gold safety pin flecked with diamonds and I’m pretty cool with that. Happy Gooping!