21 TOP Stupid Things in Today’s GOOP

TODAY in goop mag 21: 21 stupid things!

Gwynnie calls today’s issue goop mag 21. It’s like Where’s Waldo, except instead of searching for 21 Waldos, I searched for 21 stupid rich entitled white giraffe-actress-turned-lifestyle-newsletter-“author” things. image

1. Stupid item number one: loving monograms.

2. What does Gywnnie need grown-up school supplies for? Inventorying all her fancy skin serums and coming up with new ways to say the color “white” (egg shell, cream, off-white, alabaster, chalk, Coldplay).

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3. Why does Gwynnie call this one a mag? It’s a newsletter sent electronically with many topics in it, which is the same exact format every issue, every week.
4. Apparently there have been 21 of these “mags” but no one is counting them at all.

5. This pain fighting person’s last name. It’s painful to say outloud. Wait, actually never mind, it’s fun to say out loud. Try it. Try it with various accents.

6. Hahahaha, stop acting like you’ve ever pushed a cart in your life, Gwynnie.

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7. Great. You’ve ruined balsamic vinegar for everyone.

8. Drinking two tablespoons of vinegar in an eight ounce glass of water is insane. No one is that inflamed.

9. Ahahahahahahahaha! White people can’t give up sriracha sauce! Twelve step programs abound! Gwynnie develops some sort of sriracha methadone for chili pepper junkies.

10. Monkey honey?

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11. I call b.s. on this cherries = ibuprofen theory. This sounds like it was cooked up by non-vaccinators. Also, what is gout? Is gout scurvy?

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12-18. All of the white people on this yacht in this definitely-not-a-Benetton-ad. Seven people. All white. Is it the cast from Gossip Girl? Could be. I’ll tell you what it’s not. A place where women can escape getting date raped by Patron-drunk men named Tristan/Chet. I hope they’re attacked by sharks.

image19. Is Gwynnie using GOOP to publicly flirt with a young chef named Jake Dell? I think so. Okay, so if this weren’t Gwyneth Paltrow, this strategy would be smart and fall in the category of “the way we court now.” But it’s Gwyneth Paltrow and she’s lauding this fella who is cute and seems nice, but hilarious? I watched the video, and that’s a bit of a stretch. Also his video is a hotdog tutorial. Not a macrobiotic vegan beet slaw sandwich topped with bitters and lemongrass tea. A hot dog, which is obviously, completely out of Gwyneth Paltrow’s character. She spent much of this same newsletter issue comparing white potatoes to Ebola and likening sriracha to ISIS, and now she’s suddenly down with hot dogs? I think not. This is a GOOP flirt.

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20. Ugh…calling your “relaxed”-shaped jewelry “organic.” Of course an organic ring costs more than a conventional one.

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21. And the number 21 Top Stupid Thing in Today’s Goop: This five-dollars-shy-of-two-grand unnecessarily ridiculous gold safety pin, gawdy waste of privilege that might actually be an earring? I will never be the type of person to own, or hang out with anyone who owns a two-thousand dollar maybe-earring-maybe-not gold safety pin flecked with diamonds and I’m pretty cool with that. Happy Gooping!


TODAY in GOOP: These Are Not Groceries! Order your box of non-groceries today! Delivered right to your door from Quinciple, a Brooklyn-based preciously named non-grocery business run by foragers. This week: a box filled with specially curated, chakra-opened, consciously uncoupled, subtly monogrammed, mercury-cleansed, salt and pepper bathed, gluten-free, sustainably redecorated London small space flats, fruit-named children, LA food trailers, gold-plated detoxifying ID bracelets, ghost-written cookbooks, and tobacco-scented candles that help cover up the smell left over from the one American Spirit cigarette you smoke on Saturday nights to decompress after hanging out with Jon Favre, Beyonce,  and a handsome yachting gentleman who probably owns a sports team or something, while you scroll the Internet for information on how Jennifer Lawrence is fucking your ex.

TODAY in GOOP: These Are Not Groceries! Order your box of non-groceries today! Delivered right to your door from Quinciple, a Brooklyn-based preciously named non-grocery business run by foragers. This week: a box filled with specially curated, chakra-opened, consciously uncoupled, subtly monogrammed, mercury-cleansed, salt and pepper bathed, gluten-free, sustainably redecorated London small space flats, fruit-named children, LA food trailers, gold-plated detoxifying ID bracelets, ghost-written cookbooks, and tobacco-scented candles that help cover up the smell left over from the one American Spirit cigarette you smoke on Saturday nights to decompress after hanging out with Jon Favre, Beyonce,  and a handsome yachting gentleman who probably owns a sports team or something, while you scroll the Internet for information on how Jennifer Lawrence is fucking your ex.


In GOOP, Who HASN’T tried all the leather pants around? #universal #TrueHumanExperiences

In GOOP, Who HASN’T tried all the leather pants around? #universal #TrueHumanExperiences


TODAY in GOOP it’s your lucky day if you’ve been looking for an exclusive subtly waxy, Korean philosopher black tuxedo pant. Gwynnie’s got ‘em exclusively for only $295. These are not knockoff Korean philosopher subtly waxy pants, these are the REAL exclusive deal. These are not those French philosopher pant wannabes with dried candle wax on them. Nor are they Russian philosopher pants that are obviously waxy in finish. If the last tuxedo pants you picked up were barely waxy and you thought you were done, look no further: your subtly waxy dreams are now fulfilled. Exclusively. Thanks, Gwynnie! Just the other day I commented to my friend “you know what’s missing on my legs? A subtly waxy finish.” All my problems are solved.

TODAY in GOOP it’s your lucky day if you’ve been looking for an exclusive subtly waxy, Korean philosopher black tuxedo pant. Gwynnie’s got ‘em exclusively for only $295. These are not knockoff Korean philosopher subtly waxy pants, these are the REAL exclusive deal. These are not those French philosopher pant wannabes with dried candle wax on them. Nor are they Russian philosopher pants that are obviously waxy in finish. If the last tuxedo pants you picked up were barely waxy and you thought you were done, look no further: your subtly waxy dreams are now fulfilled. Exclusively. Thanks, Gwynnie! Just the other day I commented to my friend “you know what’s missing on my legs? A subtly waxy finish.” All my problems are solved.


TODAY in GOOP, Gwynnie talked a bit about how she’s willing to shop at H&M IF and ONLY IF, a former fashion magazine editor curates a selection for her and in no way does she actually have to set foot in the store itself. That was an extreme statement for Gwynnie, so here’s the palate cleanser, also featured in today’s issue: a bangle bracelet for $1,175.00. That seems…worth it. There are some other things I can think of to spend nearly TWELVE HUNDRED DOLLARS on, however. Here’s a list of those items:
A flight to Copenhagen
A six-week old labradoodle puppy named Gingersnap
A flight to Buenos Aires
36 Kate Spade gold bangles
A flight to Budapest
A garage for your RV
A flight to Nairobi
A direct/simple cremation
A flight to Amsterdam
The entire catalog of The Bangles on vinyl for you and five of your Manic Monday-loving friends
A flight to Cincinnati PLUS 2014 Bengals season tickets
Eight fucking car payments
Only 2 flights to Bismarck, North Dakota from…anywhere in the U.S.
A tattoo removed
5,040 1-oz. bags of Planter’s Peanuts to take on your future flights
Nearly SIX old-timey popcorn carts

TODAY in GOOP, Gwynnie talked a bit about how she’s willing to shop at H&M IF and ONLY IF, a former fashion magazine editor curates a selection for her and in no way does she actually have to set foot in the store itself. That was an extreme statement for Gwynnie, so here’s the palate cleanser, also featured in today’s issue: a bangle bracelet for $1,175.00. That seems…worth it. There are some other things I can think of to spend nearly TWELVE HUNDRED DOLLARS on, however. Here’s a list of those items:


TODAY in GOOP, Gwynnie confirms she hate, HATES H&M and Zara. OF COURSE YOU DO, Gwynnie! Will the next issue start off by you declaring you breath oxygen? And when was this occasion where you set foot in an H&M where this alleged second rack panic attack occurred? I think we’re going to need a witness on that one. Why would you even try it? Was it some sort of eclipse or something? Did you have to bolt into a mall to avoid paparazzi? Did you hear someone was eating cheese from a can and want to stop them? I guess it’s true what they say: when you end a major relationship your behavior really is out-of-character. Next stop for Gwynnie: 7-Eleven to sample midnight taquitos.

TODAY in GOOP, Gwynnie confirms she hate, HATES H&M and Zara. OF COURSE YOU DO, Gwynnie! Will the next issue start off by you declaring you breath oxygen? And when was this occasion where you set foot in an H&M where this alleged second rack panic attack occurred? I think we’re going to need a witness on that one. Why would you even try it? Was it some sort of eclipse or something? Did you have to bolt into a mall to avoid paparazzi? Did you hear someone was eating cheese from a can and want to stop them? I guess it’s true what they say: when you end a major relationship your behavior really is out-of-character. Next stop for Gwynnie: 7-Eleven to sample midnight taquitos.


TODAY in GOOP, Gwynnie explains all the alcohol-related apps that are available. Lest you think the conscious uncoupling hasn’t affected this paragon of elitism, she reveals that she’s having both expensive and cheap booze delivered to her house via her iPhone.

TODAY in GOOP, Gwynnie explains all the alcohol-related apps that are available. Lest you think the conscious uncoupling hasn’t affected this paragon of elitism, she reveals that she’s having both expensive and cheap booze delivered to her house via her iPhone.


TODAY in GOOP, buy yourself a cotton t-shirt with a message on it. “I love you no matter what,” which beat out Gwynnie’s other ideas: "I love you no matter what until I don’t and then we’ll consciously uncouple""I love you no matter what unless you get fat""I love you no matter what unless you’re poor""I love you no matter what unless you eat cheese from a tin""I love you no matter what unless you’re Chris Martin""I’d love you but you’re not kale""I love you no matter what unless you smoke more than one cigarette""I love you no matter what unless you’re Winona Ryder""I love you no matter what unless you tell the world you wrote my cookbook for me"

TODAY in GOOP, buy yourself a cotton t-shirt with a message on it. “I love you no matter what,” which beat out Gwynnie’s other ideas:
"I love you no matter what until I don’t and then we’ll consciously uncouple"
"I love you no matter what unless you get fat"
"I love you no matter what unless you’re poor"
"I love you no matter what unless you eat cheese from a tin"
"I love you no matter what unless you’re Chris Martin"
"I’d love you but you’re not kale"
"I love you no matter what unless you smoke more than one cigarette"
"I love you no matter what unless you’re Winona Ryder"
"I love you no matter what unless you tell the world you wrote my cookbook for me"


TODAY in GOOP, we get definitive proof that Gwynnie’s newsletter is meant strictly for white people. She endorses a non-toxic skin tightening lotion…that just so happens to be sold out in its three lightest versions. Huh. For $59 this lotion will tighten your skin and reflect light “making your body look better than ever, no surgery or noxious chemicals required.” Problem is, it’s only available in 4 shades: Invisible, Casper, Translucent, and Katelyn. It looks like even the darkest shade is mean solely for tanned white people. I’m not on the marketing team, but I’d change that overly general name (deep dark) to Charlton Heston.Perhaps this explains why the KKK was riding around in masked hoods. They were embarrassed of their collagen depletion. Apparently there were no entrepreneurial celebrity makeup artists around post antebellum to sell skin tightening lotion.

TODAY in GOOP, we get definitive proof that Gwynnie’s newsletter is meant strictly for white people. She endorses a non-toxic skin tightening lotion…that just so happens to be sold out in its three lightest versions. Huh. For $59 this lotion will tighten your skin and reflect light “making your body look better than ever, no surgery or noxious chemicals required.” Problem is, it’s only available in 4 shades: Invisible, Casper, Translucent, and Katelyn. It looks like even the darkest shade is mean solely for tanned white people. I’m not on the marketing team, but I’d change that overly general name (deep dark) to Charlton Heston.

Perhaps this explains why the KKK was riding around in masked hoods. They were embarrassed of their collagen depletion. Apparently there were no entrepreneurial celebrity makeup artists around post antebellum to sell skin tightening lotion.


RECAP: Who Cares?

TODAY in GOOP, a bunch of stupid shit. Gwynnie loves book clubs, even though she doesn’t really read, so in order to still feel like she’s a part of something she invented something called a Cook Book Club, which actually sounds like a dinner party and then she created a Goop issue about it like it’s something new despite half of all Goops focusing on food that surely Gwyneth doesn’t actually eat (fried chicken? HAHAHAHAHA!). The best parts are underlined.

Gwynnie practices faux modesty and it’s hilarious! Too little too late, you thigh gap-cleansing-lemon water drinking-one American Spirit a week smoking-backyard woodburning pizza oven owning-conscious uncoupler! We do not believe that you do not believe that you’re ideas are not good. What? But two thumbs up for getting all Stella Gets Her Groove Back with your smoked fish or whatever. It is YOUR party, Gwyneth. Smoke your fish if you want to!

Hey, we all know San Francisco is where the lifeblood of our present day worlds is now created, where microchip cloud-based wearable tech reigns supreme, and where some college dropout just developed something called Farm Heroes Saga that relatives you haven’t talked to in 15 years will invite you to play on Facebook. It is truly the center of innovation! And now, they’re revolutionizing book club conventions! Look out angel investors!