In GOOP, Who HASN’T tried all the leather pants around? #universal #TrueHumanExperiences

In GOOP, Who HASN’T tried all the leather pants around? #universal #TrueHumanExperiences


TODAY in GOOP it’s your lucky day if you’ve been looking for an exclusive subtly waxy, Korean philosopher black tuxedo pant. Gwynnie’s got ‘em exclusively for only $295. These are not knockoff Korean philosopher subtly waxy pants, these are the REAL exclusive deal. These are not those French philosopher pant wannabes with dried candle wax on them. Nor are they Russian philosopher pants that are obviously waxy in finish. If the last tuxedo pants you picked up were barely waxy and you thought you were done, look no further: your subtly waxy dreams are now fulfilled. Exclusively. Thanks, Gwynnie! Just the other day I commented to my friend “you know what’s missing on my legs? A subtly waxy finish.” All my problems are solved.

TODAY in GOOP it’s your lucky day if you’ve been looking for an exclusive subtly waxy, Korean philosopher black tuxedo pant. Gwynnie’s got ‘em exclusively for only $295. These are not knockoff Korean philosopher subtly waxy pants, these are the REAL exclusive deal. These are not those French philosopher pant wannabes with dried candle wax on them. Nor are they Russian philosopher pants that are obviously waxy in finish. If the last tuxedo pants you picked up were barely waxy and you thought you were done, look no further: your subtly waxy dreams are now fulfilled. Exclusively. Thanks, Gwynnie! Just the other day I commented to my friend “you know what’s missing on my legs? A subtly waxy finish.” All my problems are solved.


TODAY in GOOP, Gwynnie talked a bit about how she’s willing to shop at H&M IF and ONLY IF, a former fashion magazine editor curates a selection for her and in no way does she actually have to set foot in the store itself. That was an extreme statement for Gwynnie, so here’s the palate cleanser, also featured in today’s issue: a bangle bracelet for $1,175.00. That seems…worth it. There are some other things I can think of to spend nearly TWELVE HUNDRED DOLLARS on, however. Here’s a list of those items:
A flight to Copenhagen
A six-week old labradoodle puppy named Gingersnap
A flight to Buenos Aires
36 Kate Spade gold bangles
A flight to Budapest
A garage for your RV
A flight to Nairobi
A direct/simple cremation
A flight to Amsterdam
The entire catalog of The Bangles on vinyl for you and five of your Manic Monday-loving friends
A flight to Cincinnati PLUS 2014 Bengals season tickets
Eight fucking car payments
Only 2 flights to Bismarck, North Dakota from…anywhere in the U.S.
A tattoo removed
5,040 1-oz. bags of Planter’s Peanuts to take on your future flights
Nearly SIX old-timey popcorn carts

TODAY in GOOP, Gwynnie talked a bit about how she’s willing to shop at H&M IF and ONLY IF, a former fashion magazine editor curates a selection for her and in no way does she actually have to set foot in the store itself. That was an extreme statement for Gwynnie, so here’s the palate cleanser, also featured in today’s issue: a bangle bracelet for $1,175.00. That seems…worth it. There are some other things I can think of to spend nearly TWELVE HUNDRED DOLLARS on, however. Here’s a list of those items:


TODAY in GOOP, Gwynnie confirms she hate, HATES H&M and Zara. OF COURSE YOU DO, Gwynnie! Will the next issue start off by you declaring you breath oxygen? And when was this occasion where you set foot in an H&M where this alleged second rack panic attack occurred? I think we’re going to need a witness on that one. Why would you even try it? Was it some sort of eclipse or something? Did you have to bolt into a mall to avoid paparazzi? Did you hear someone was eating cheese from a can and want to stop them? I guess it’s true what they say: when you end a major relationship your behavior really is out-of-character. Next stop for Gwynnie: 7-Eleven to sample midnight taquitos.

TODAY in GOOP, Gwynnie confirms she hate, HATES H&M and Zara. OF COURSE YOU DO, Gwynnie! Will the next issue start off by you declaring you breath oxygen? And when was this occasion where you set foot in an H&M where this alleged second rack panic attack occurred? I think we’re going to need a witness on that one. Why would you even try it? Was it some sort of eclipse or something? Did you have to bolt into a mall to avoid paparazzi? Did you hear someone was eating cheese from a can and want to stop them? I guess it’s true what they say: when you end a major relationship your behavior really is out-of-character. Next stop for Gwynnie: 7-Eleven to sample midnight taquitos.


TODAY in GOOP, Gwynnie explains all the alcohol-related apps that are available. Lest you think the conscious uncoupling hasn’t affected this paragon of elitism, she reveals that she’s having both expensive and cheap booze delivered to her house via her iPhone.

TODAY in GOOP, Gwynnie explains all the alcohol-related apps that are available. Lest you think the conscious uncoupling hasn’t affected this paragon of elitism, she reveals that she’s having both expensive and cheap booze delivered to her house via her iPhone.


TODAY in GOOP, buy yourself a cotton t-shirt with a message on it. “I love you no matter what,” which beat out Gwynnie’s other ideas: "I love you no matter what until I don’t and then we’ll consciously uncouple""I love you no matter what unless you get fat""I love you no matter what unless you’re poor""I love you no matter what unless you eat cheese from a tin""I love you no matter what unless you’re Chris Martin""I’d love you but you’re not kale""I love you no matter what unless you smoke more than one cigarette""I love you no matter what unless you’re Winona Ryder""I love you no matter what unless you tell the world you wrote my cookbook for me"

TODAY in GOOP, buy yourself a cotton t-shirt with a message on it. “I love you no matter what,” which beat out Gwynnie’s other ideas:
"I love you no matter what until I don’t and then we’ll consciously uncouple"
"I love you no matter what unless you get fat"
"I love you no matter what unless you’re poor"
"I love you no matter what unless you eat cheese from a tin"
"I love you no matter what unless you’re Chris Martin"
"I’d love you but you’re not kale"
"I love you no matter what unless you smoke more than one cigarette"
"I love you no matter what unless you’re Winona Ryder"
"I love you no matter what unless you tell the world you wrote my cookbook for me"


TODAY in GOOP, we get definitive proof that Gwynnie’s newsletter is meant strictly for white people. She endorses a non-toxic skin tightening lotion…that just so happens to be sold out in its three lightest versions. Huh. For $59 this lotion will tighten your skin and reflect light “making your body look better than ever, no surgery or noxious chemicals required.” Problem is, it’s only available in 4 shades: Invisible, Casper, Translucent, and Katelyn. It looks like even the darkest shade is mean solely for tanned white people. I’m not on the marketing team, but I’d change that overly general name (deep dark) to Charlton Heston.Perhaps this explains why the KKK was riding around in masked hoods. They were embarrassed of their collagen depletion. Apparently there were no entrepreneurial celebrity makeup artists around post antebellum to sell skin tightening lotion.

TODAY in GOOP, we get definitive proof that Gwynnie’s newsletter is meant strictly for white people. She endorses a non-toxic skin tightening lotion…that just so happens to be sold out in its three lightest versions. Huh. For $59 this lotion will tighten your skin and reflect light “making your body look better than ever, no surgery or noxious chemicals required.” Problem is, it’s only available in 4 shades: Invisible, Casper, Translucent, and Katelyn. It looks like even the darkest shade is mean solely for tanned white people. I’m not on the marketing team, but I’d change that overly general name (deep dark) to Charlton Heston.

Perhaps this explains why the KKK was riding around in masked hoods. They were embarrassed of their collagen depletion. Apparently there were no entrepreneurial celebrity makeup artists around post antebellum to sell skin tightening lotion.


RECAP: Who Cares?

TODAY in GOOP, a bunch of stupid shit. Gwynnie loves book clubs, even though she doesn’t really read, so in order to still feel like she’s a part of something she invented something called a Cook Book Club, which actually sounds like a dinner party and then she created a Goop issue about it like it’s something new despite half of all Goops focusing on food that surely Gwyneth doesn’t actually eat (fried chicken? HAHAHAHAHA!). The best parts are underlined.

Gwynnie practices faux modesty and it’s hilarious! Too little too late, you thigh gap-cleansing-lemon water drinking-one American Spirit a week smoking-backyard woodburning pizza oven owning-conscious uncoupler! We do not believe that you do not believe that you’re ideas are not good. What? But two thumbs up for getting all Stella Gets Her Groove Back with your smoked fish or whatever. It is YOUR party, Gwyneth. Smoke your fish if you want to!

Hey, we all know San Francisco is where the lifeblood of our present day worlds is now created, where microchip cloud-based wearable tech reigns supreme, and where some college dropout just developed something called Farm Heroes Saga that relatives you haven’t talked to in 15 years will invite you to play on Facebook. It is truly the center of innovation! And now, they’re revolutionizing book club conventions! Look out angel investors!


RECAP: Gwynnie Goops Hong Kong, Sans Makeup, Husband, Children (even though she quit acting for them and is now working a 9 to 5 job)

TODAY in GOOP, Gwynnie goes to Hong Kong, and eats street food, so no one kiss her because now she’s patient zero in Contagion and going to convulse and seize and die mysteriously in a matter of days, but not before rendezvousing with her ex lover during a layover in Chicago, which, huh, maybe we should all try, because O’Hare is so truly awful, turn those frowns upside downs.

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RECAP: Gwynnie Deals With Pain Like a French Fry, Bathes in Salt & Pepper

TODAY in GOOP, Gwynnie introduces us to her osteopath, Vicky, who deals with pain—physical, emotional, all of it. What’s an osteopath? Nobody really knows, but I bet they’re all named Vicky. Vicky the osteopath has an entire toolbox of tools to deal with pain, including brushes. Did you know that if you massage your skin with a boar’s hair brush you feel less pain? It’s called dry brushing, not to be confused with dry humping, which rarely involves boar’s hair. Have you ever noticed how French fries are never in any pain, like at all? Thanks to Vicky’s other pain-relieving tip we now know why: a salt and pepper bath, which is actually just a page out of Gwyneth’s recipe book on preparing codfish. If you really want to alleviate pain, finish off your salt and pepper bath with a drizzle of olive oil, a dash of lemon juice, and a sprig of parsley. Steamed asparagus makes an excellent side! image