RECAP: Gwynnie Does Brooklyn, Scares Even the Park Slope Mommies

Today in GOOP, Gwynnie puts on a pair of Buddy Holly specs to talk about Brooklyn, which is reason number 586 that anyone thinking about moving to an affordable section of NYC  strongly consider Queens. Recently ranked as the second most expensive place to live in the country, it’s no surprise that Mrs. Gwynnie-McRicherton-Contagion-Coldplay has deemed Brooklyn GOOP-worthy. It is also no surprise that Gwynnie’s obliviousness in combination with every trendy Brooklyn cliché is certain to explode into a gentrified locavore co-op of bike messenger parody. Surely both Gwynnie and Brooklyn are in on the jokes that they have become, no? I will say this: like a lot of white people my age, I like Brooklyn, but there is so much pretentious oozing intolerable shit, all of it insisting it’s unpretentious, going on in this issue of GOOP, that a part of me wishes I didn’t. Here are my faves:

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STOP, being all Jenny from the Block (yes, I know J. Lo is from the Bronx). In fact, dear Gwynnie, stop acting like you’re a local expert to every desirable zip code. You can’t claim Brooklyn AND Manhattan AND California AND London AND Madrid, etc. Only people on PBS can pull this off (think Dora the Explorer, Carmen Sandiego, Rick Steves).

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Gross. These words. Put together. In this order. Make me never want to use olive oil again. Has anyone in the history of the universe ever said, “I have some errands to run; gotta pick up an esoteric olive oil”? No. I understand that people sometimes buy expensive olive oil (usually while on vacation). But no one ever sets out to do this purposefully, do they? I don’t want to meet people who do. Also, I feel like if we’re bandying about the word “esoteric” on a Thursday, somewhere the name Immanuel Kant should also be mentioned.

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Okay. Fine! I admit it—I would probably dig shopping at this store. Clever Pinterest ironic bullshit. For which, I am apparently an ideal target demographic.

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This is my favorite type of sentence written by Apple Martin’s mother’s assistant. Remember the great 1970s diaspora of Brooklynites venturing to Manhattan for a clog-free facial moisturizer? Such a tragedy!


RECAP: Gwynnie Declares She’s a “Snacker;” Shoves Her Face with Organic Cheetos

Today in GOOP, Gwynnie admits she’s a snacker. Which, duh. Have you seen that woman’s thighs? Cow face! 

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Like so many of us, she doesn’t have time to prepare a meal, but rather than grab a box of Pepperidge Farm Goldfish like a normal, red-blooded human being, she prepares sushi. Because everyone knows that’s a quick, easy task you can do on the go. Heck I’ve seen people whip up a maki roll in their cars during their morning commutes while applying mascara. Bluetooth truly is an amazing invention allowing people to do light accounting and other no-brainer activities (make a pho next time!) while on highways driving aggressively at unsafe speeds.

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RECAP: Just in Time for Cold and Flu Season—Gwynnie Sells Tissue Tee

Today in GOOP, Gwynnie sells a $55 tissue-thin t-shirt! Which is wonderful, because if there’s one thing the human race needs more of, it’s over-priced t-shirts made from super thin, nearly rippable fabric. These super-tissue-thin tees work well for layering, being uncomfortably cold, fulfilling fantasies that you have the jungle strength of a muscular shirt-ripping Tarzan, revealing your breasts in auto-flash photos, and blowing your nose. In fact, NyQuil is co-sponsoring these babies this flu season. Personally, I’ve been writing Kleenex for YEARS, asking them to get into the t-shirt biz.

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Oh god, I did that once too. To be fair, I was in Mexico and had eaten this really spicy torta, and I think, in combination with the water, my stomach wasn’t used to all those spices, and well, let’s just say it was a disaster waiting to happen. The peppers in Mexico, in those sandwiches, they’re really strong. Really, spicy peppers. I’m sure you’re fine though. I think that kind of thing happens to everyone at least once. Did, anyone see you? Never mind. You’re fine. You’re fine.

Oh god, I did that once too. To be fair, I was in Mexico and had eaten this really spicy torta, and I think, in combination with the water, my stomach wasn’t used to all those spices, and well, let’s just say it was a disaster waiting to happen. The peppers in Mexico, in those sandwiches, they’re really strong. Really, spicy peppers. I’m sure you’re fine though. I think that kind of thing happens to everyone at least once. Did, anyone see you? Never mind. You’re fine. You’re fine.


RECAP: Gwynnie Delivers Answer to the Question EVERYONE’S been Asking (!)

TODAY in GOOP, Gwynnie speaks for the collective conscious by answering the question that’s been on everyone’s minds: when will Hirschleifer’s get online?

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Goopster delivers the answer with the most articulate, of-the-moment, email subject line. She really is a voice of and for the people. You can’t turn on CNN without hearing the words “…these issues won’t be resolved until Hirshleifers is online.” The guy who changed my oil on Tuesday was all like, “When do you think Hirschleifers will sell merchandise online? Also, want a transmission flush?” My mother brings this up nearly every time we talk on the phone. And my boss? He WON’T shut up about Hirshleifers and their lack of an online marketplace. I firmly believe Gwynnie’s got her pulse on the universe and that anyone who addresses the questions of the hive mind so clearly should most definitely seek political office.


HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GWYNNIE!! Here’s an organic white gardenia that I had Mario Batali plant and harvest especially for you. Yep, that’s right, 40 years ago today, Blythe Danner and the late Bruce Paltrow (2 VERY famous people) had a VERY famous little girl who would grow up to invent GOOP, ensuring that women and gay men with internet access the world over would have an endless supply of content to poke fun at, and later feel inadequate about as they self-reflect on their own pathetic Costco-shopping, Bachelor-watching lives.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GWYNNIE!! Here’s an organic white gardenia that I had Mario Batali plant and harvest especially for you.

Yep, that’s right, 40 years ago today, Blythe Danner and the late Bruce Paltrow (2 VERY famous people) had a VERY famous little girl who would grow up to invent GOOP, ensuring that women and gay men with internet access the world over would have an endless supply of content to poke fun at, and later feel inadequate about as they self-reflect on their own pathetic Costco-shopping, Bachelor-watching lives.


Q
So basically this entirely blog is dedicated to shitting on an actress's website? That's just sad. I'm sure your time and talent could be used on something a little more positive. At least Gwyneth is trying, as out of touch as she might be, to be helpful to people around her. You contribute nothing.
A

Thanks! You are right. I contribute nothing to the world. I’m sure your sales as an Avon lady who moonlights as an “aspiring actress” are contributing TONS to the state of North Carolina and beyond.


Q
Hi, I've been subscribing to GOOP for a couple of years now and have always greatly enjoyed it. The app is also great. My family is moving from Sydney to NYC in a week and I am looking for a Biomedical or holistic GP, Pediatrician and Dentist. I have scoured the NYC city guide but have not found any biomedical health professionals. Thank you
Anonymous
A

Sorry for the delay in responding, but I figured you might have tried elsewhere by now. There are sites, like Yelp and basically just people you might meet and talk with that could help. Also, your old Doctor or Dentist probably knows other Doctors and Dentists and Pediatricians and might have some suggestions. I dunno. I think you may have solved your issue by now. Maybe check out Google? I hear a lot of chitchat about that these days.


RECAP: DVF Talks Marriage/Gwynnie Wears Fugly Sweater

Today in GOOP, Gwynnie interviews Diane Von Furstenberg. I can’t really be snarky about this because I like Diane Von Furstenberg. But at one point she asks DVF for marriage advice. This is sort of interesting because rumor has it, DVF’s hubby, Barry Diller, is gay. Who knows the answers to these things and who knows whose business it really is. In any case, DVF’s advice sounds on point.

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If you have a good relationship with yourself, it may not matter if you’re married to a gay man. Perhaps that’s the true key to happiness.
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The other thing that’s cool to do if you’re obnoxiously rich is wear a fugly sweater (retail $485, exclusive at Gwynnie’s fugly shop), in front of your really white mantel looking coyly behind you while you fuck around with a lily or whatever that green thing is.

Right now I’m trying to figure out the right occasion for me to wear a black sweater with white hearts and red elbow pads. It’s a difficult endeavor because I am not in the Babysitter’s Club, wearing out the elbows on my sweaters due to too much doggy style. But, maybe one day…


RECAP: Gwynnie Phones in GOOP with J. Crew

Today in GOOP, who cares? Really, who cares? I am tired of this woman. I think she’s tired too, because today Gywnnie basically Photoshops herself into the fall 2012 J. Crew catalog (P.S. I haven’t seen the catalog. Because I do other things. But imagine it is all of these items featured on GOOP, except with someone younger than Gwynnie, and likely more eating disorderish, modeling them.)

Here’s one moment of hilarity I got out today’s issue of GOOP.

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Hahaha! Great price points! You’re so funny, Gwynnie, acting like you’re some kind of extreme couponer! Also, that’s so cute that you ordered a grey sweater in 1992. Was it while you were wearing a Margot Tenebaum dress and reading a YM magazine and chewing Bubble Tape and talking to your bff on a cordless pink phone while sitting on your canopy-style bed and staring at a Teen Beat poster of Christian Slater? Because if so, my 1992 year-old self is seething with jealousy.

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Okay, so I’m not going to lie. I like J. Crew. Because I’m American, and a woman, and white. I like Whole Foods too, even though they’re kind of a shitty company just like every other company. And I sometimes drink chai lattes because I’m also an asshole. But even if I like J. Crew, I am also aware that they suck. And spending $98 on a chambray shirt (that I love, by the way) that was made by eight year-olds in East Asia, who were possibly genitally mutilated as infants and maybe have three fingers remaining and will potentially be married upon their 13th birthdays to a sadistic sweatshop manager types and will die at the age of 34 after giving birth to 18 children, doesn’t feel good to me as a human being.

Not to mention, at Old Navy, that chambray shirt is priced at $23 max.