Oh god, I did that once too. To be fair, I was in Mexico and had eaten this really spicy torta, and I think, in combination with the water, my stomach wasn’t used to all those spices, and well, let’s just say it was a disaster waiting to happen. The peppers in Mexico, in those sandwiches, they’re really strong. Really, spicy peppers. I’m sure you’re fine though. I think that kind of thing happens to everyone at least once. Did, anyone see you? Never mind. You’re fine. You’re fine.

Oh god, I did that once too. To be fair, I was in Mexico and had eaten this really spicy torta, and I think, in combination with the water, my stomach wasn’t used to all those spices, and well, let’s just say it was a disaster waiting to happen. The peppers in Mexico, in those sandwiches, they’re really strong. Really, spicy peppers. I’m sure you’re fine though. I think that kind of thing happens to everyone at least once. Did, anyone see you? Never mind. You’re fine. You’re fine.


RECAP: Gwynnie Delivers Answer to the Question EVERYONE’S been Asking (!)

TODAY in GOOP, Gwynnie speaks for the collective conscious by answering the question that’s been on everyone’s minds: when will Hirschleifer’s get online?

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Goopster delivers the answer with the most articulate, of-the-moment, email subject line. She really is a voice of and for the people. You can’t turn on CNN without hearing the words “…these issues won’t be resolved until Hirshleifers is online.” The guy who changed my oil on Tuesday was all like, “When do you think Hirschleifers will sell merchandise online? Also, want a transmission flush?” My mother brings this up nearly every time we talk on the phone. And my boss? He WON’T shut up about Hirshleifers and their lack of an online marketplace. I firmly believe Gwynnie’s got her pulse on the universe and that anyone who addresses the questions of the hive mind so clearly should most definitely seek political office.


HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GWYNNIE!! Here’s an organic white gardenia that I had Mario Batali plant and harvest especially for you. Yep, that’s right, 40 years ago today, Blythe Danner and the late Bruce Paltrow (2 VERY famous people) had a VERY famous little girl who would grow up to invent GOOP, ensuring that women and gay men with internet access the world over would have an endless supply of content to poke fun at, and later feel inadequate about as they self-reflect on their own pathetic Costco-shopping, Bachelor-watching lives.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GWYNNIE!! Here’s an organic white gardenia that I had Mario Batali plant and harvest especially for you.

Yep, that’s right, 40 years ago today, Blythe Danner and the late Bruce Paltrow (2 VERY famous people) had a VERY famous little girl who would grow up to invent GOOP, ensuring that women and gay men with internet access the world over would have an endless supply of content to poke fun at, and later feel inadequate about as they self-reflect on their own pathetic Costco-shopping, Bachelor-watching lives.


Q
So basically this entirely blog is dedicated to shitting on an actress's website? That's just sad. I'm sure your time and talent could be used on something a little more positive. At least Gwyneth is trying, as out of touch as she might be, to be helpful to people around her. You contribute nothing.
A

Thanks! You are right. I contribute nothing to the world. I’m sure your sales as an Avon lady who moonlights as an “aspiring actress” are contributing TONS to the state of North Carolina and beyond.


Q
Hi, I've been subscribing to GOOP for a couple of years now and have always greatly enjoyed it. The app is also great. My family is moving from Sydney to NYC in a week and I am looking for a Biomedical or holistic GP, Pediatrician and Dentist. I have scoured the NYC city guide but have not found any biomedical health professionals. Thank you
Anonymous
A

Sorry for the delay in responding, but I figured you might have tried elsewhere by now. There are sites, like Yelp and basically just people you might meet and talk with that could help. Also, your old Doctor or Dentist probably knows other Doctors and Dentists and Pediatricians and might have some suggestions. I dunno. I think you may have solved your issue by now. Maybe check out Google? I hear a lot of chitchat about that these days.


RECAP: DVF Talks Marriage/Gwynnie Wears Fugly Sweater

Today in GOOP, Gwynnie interviews Diane Von Furstenberg. I can’t really be snarky about this because I like Diane Von Furstenberg. But at one point she asks DVF for marriage advice. This is sort of interesting because rumor has it, DVF’s hubby, Barry Diller, is gay. Who knows the answers to these things and who knows whose business it really is. In any case, DVF’s advice sounds on point.

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If you have a good relationship with yourself, it may not matter if you’re married to a gay man. Perhaps that’s the true key to happiness.
Especially if you’re both obnoxiously rich. Photobucket
The other thing that’s cool to do if you’re obnoxiously rich is wear a fugly sweater (retail $485, exclusive at Gwynnie’s fugly shop), in front of your really white mantel looking coyly behind you while you fuck around with a lily or whatever that green thing is.

Right now I’m trying to figure out the right occasion for me to wear a black sweater with white hearts and red elbow pads. It’s a difficult endeavor because I am not in the Babysitter’s Club, wearing out the elbows on my sweaters due to too much doggy style. But, maybe one day…


RECAP: Gwynnie Phones in GOOP with J. Crew

Today in GOOP, who cares? Really, who cares? I am tired of this woman. I think she’s tired too, because today Gywnnie basically Photoshops herself into the fall 2012 J. Crew catalog (P.S. I haven’t seen the catalog. Because I do other things. But imagine it is all of these items featured on GOOP, except with someone younger than Gwynnie, and likely more eating disorderish, modeling them.)

Here’s one moment of hilarity I got out today’s issue of GOOP.

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Hahaha! Great price points! You’re so funny, Gwynnie, acting like you’re some kind of extreme couponer! Also, that’s so cute that you ordered a grey sweater in 1992. Was it while you were wearing a Margot Tenebaum dress and reading a YM magazine and chewing Bubble Tape and talking to your bff on a cordless pink phone while sitting on your canopy-style bed and staring at a Teen Beat poster of Christian Slater? Because if so, my 1992 year-old self is seething with jealousy.

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Okay, so I’m not going to lie. I like J. Crew. Because I’m American, and a woman, and white. I like Whole Foods too, even though they’re kind of a shitty company just like every other company. And I sometimes drink chai lattes because I’m also an asshole. But even if I like J. Crew, I am also aware that they suck. And spending $98 on a chambray shirt (that I love, by the way) that was made by eight year-olds in East Asia, who were possibly genitally mutilated as infants and maybe have three fingers remaining and will potentially be married upon their 13th birthdays to a sadistic sweatshop manager types and will die at the age of 34 after giving birth to 18 children, doesn’t feel good to me as a human being.

Not to mention, at Old Navy, that chambray shirt is priced at $23 max.


RECAP: Gwynnie Eats Cockroach Sammie; Wears Anti-Macrobiotic Pants

Today in GOOP Gwynnie is back after a month-long hiatus (which wasn’t long enough because I don’t feel nearly snarky enough to take on mocking her at the moment). In this issue she watches an old friend cook one of the most divine food stuffs to ever exist: the lobster roll. She’s the worst! I ate a limp boring salad at lunch, and I can’t tell you what I would do for a buttery warm succulent lobster roll. My fair city, like most in America, lacks in lobster roll options. Luckily, Gwynnie spells out where the best ones are located in LA, NYC, Boston, and Maine (all reasonable places to check out on your lunch break and be back to the office by 1).


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I don’t know about you, but after I’ve eaten a lobster roll, I like to slip on a pair of $935 leather skinny pants. Cause they feel so so good, you know? I mean, I know they’re not the most ethical pair of pants, nor the least sweaty, but sometimes a gal just has a hankering for a thousand dollar yeast infection.



RECAP: Gwynnie is Unafraid to Wash Her Clothes in the Sink Like a Fucking Caveman

Today in GOOP, packing for a trip is a pain in Gwynnie’s juice-cleansed, blond, cookbook-plagiarizing, self-indulgent ass. But, like everything else that exists in her universe, she’s gotten pretty good at it. Her key is to “not be afraid to wash clothes at the hotel, the local fluff and fold, or even in your sink.” Hahaha! Such a comedian, that Gwynster, using words like “sink” like she knows what she’s talking about it.


P.S. I read about the fluff and fold in the Kama Sutra, and although entertaining, I advise against using that technique with your laundry.


As per the usual, Gwyn-da-ling-a-ding-dong’s packing tips involve owning the right items to pack, namely ridiculously priced leggings and blazers. Here’s my favorite:

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This $325 pair of cashmere track pants are the perfect travel companion. But not for wearing on the plane, silly! Preposterous! Gwynnie wears hers for walking to the gym for her workout. Because going to the gym while on vacation is America’s number one favorite pastime.


GOOP is taking a hiatus for the month of September, because golly gee, Gwynnie needs a break! Enjoying millions and millions and millions of dollars is a tough job. GOOP YOU will be back in September as well; that is unless Gwynnie tweets something offensive in the interim.