RECAP: It’s Spring So Dress Like an Idiot

TODAY in GOOP, Gwynnie navigates us through expensive spring trends and warmer weather fashion must-haves. Like, the very lightweight and airy…leather. image

This season, wear a leather outfit inspired by Gene Simmons’ face.

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Or choose a spring-hued green jacket, priced at $2,000 and designed by Acne—the same folks who brought us shame and embarrassment as adolescents. image

NO THANKS.

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Gwynnie is a collector of gold shoes. Last spring it was gold oxfords and this year, she introduces us to $950 sparkly boots. Wear these to the liquor store to convince the salesperson you’re going to a party, rather than back home to drink a bottle of wine solo. Or, actually go out. Whatever. Wear the boots to a club. Walk in them. They were meant for it. Or go to a discothèque if you’re taking a French class in the 1980s.

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Speaking of discothèques…here’s an outfit everyone can wear! Anywhere! You’re not famous, but do it anyway. Spend $8,900 on shimmery shorts, a leather crop top, and red heels, put that shit on, and take yourself seriously for 33 seconds. I have a neighbor who works as a “dancer,” and I spotted her the other day at the mailboxes, wearing the the knockoff Bebe version of this same outfit. Gwynnie’s skin is no where near as methy as my neighbor’s. What are the chances Gwynnie has a methy dancing neighbor? Or a mailbox?