RECAP: Gwynnie’s Use of Parentheses (is pretentious)

TODAY in GOOP, Gwynnie talks about her old college hang, Santa Barbara.  I only gave a cursory glance to her “scrapbook.” What I did notice were perhaps the two things that make Gwynalingadingdong such an annoying character. One is her smug use of parentheses.

Exhibit A: So, like, you’re an expert on Santa Barbara because you drank out a beer bong and read Dostoevsky for a semester?

Exhibit B: Ugh. Okay. Shut up about your wedding, and your crazy ass expensive margaritas. I could buy 2 Swatches with $130.

Exhibit C: Of course, Gwynnie’s got the inside track on the “secret” facials. Is unadvertised facials a search item on pornhub? 

It isn’t so much what Gwynnie says, it’s how she says things, and everything between a parenthetical says “I’m an asshole.”

My other observation is in regards to Gwynnie acting like a local/native of about 12 billion places. Today, she talks of going to a Mexican joint in Santa Barbara for 20+ years. Yes indeedy, she knows Santa Barbara by heart. Here’s a sample of other places she knows better than anyone else:

Stop. Just stop. Claiming to be from everywhere does not make you an every woman. Yes, it’s cool that you’ve had a life that has allowed you to travel to many different places, but there’s a way to talk about interesting places without putting qualifiers in front of them to show off your street cred, and it’s ridiculous to act like you’re a local of every place. You can talk about Paris in a well-meaning way, and no one needs to know you went there when you were 10. You can say something about artisanal Brooklyn, without making it sound like you grew up as a Hasid. You can talk about Barcelona without sounding like a plot summary of Richard Linklater’s Before Sunrise.